A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck and everyone inside dies. As they stand at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Paradise and meet their maker, God decides to grant each person one wish because of the grief they have experienced. They're all lined up and God asks the first one what their wish is.
"I want to be gorgeous!" God snaps His fingers and it is done.
The second one in line hears this and says, "I want to be gorgeous, too!" Another snap of His fingers and the wish is
This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous but, when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in
the line starts laughing. When there are only a few people left, this guy is rolling on the floor and laughing his head off.
Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be.
The guy eventually calms down, wipes the tears from his eyes, and says, "Make 'em all ugly again!"
It was entertainment night at the senior center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
“Shit!" said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the senior center.
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck and she wanted a fast little sports car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would have settled on any old truck but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
"Look," she said, "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less and Christmas is coming up. You could surprise me."
For her Christmas gift, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
Services will be at Downing funeral home on Monday, 2 Jan 06. Due to the condition of the body, this will be a closed casket service. Please send your donations to the 'Think Before You Say Things To Your Wife Foundation' in Dallas, Texas.
My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, with your 54 years, can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.
Please don't be perturbed, I shall be back home before midnight.
When the man came home, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
"My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, my tennis coach, who, like your secretary, is also 18 years old. As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference. 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be back until lunchtime tomorrow.
A young fellow from Oklahoma moved to California and went to a big everything-under-one-roof department store looking for a job.
The manager said, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid replied, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Oklahoma."
Well, the manager liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did "
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down. "How many sales did you make today?"
The kid said, "One."
The manager scratched his head and said, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. You're going to have to improve considerably or look for another job! How much was the sale for?"
The kid replied, "$112,237.64."
The manager was astounded. "$112,237.64! What the hell did you sell?"
The kid said, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then, I sold him a medium fish hook. Then, I sold him a larger fish hook. Then, I sold him a new fishing rod. Then, I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the lake so I told him he was gonna need a boat. We went down to the boat department and I sold him a new bass boat. Then, he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him a new Ford pick-up. I asked him how long he was going to be out at the lake. He said five or six days so I took him down to the RV department and sold him a slide-in camper for the truck."
The manager crossed his arms, smiled and said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat, a truck and a camper?"
The kid replied, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"
A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things so they decide to go to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor tells them that they're physically okay but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
His wife asks, "Where are you going?"
"To the kitchen" he replies.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down because you know you'll forget it."
He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down!" she retorts.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my toast?
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years before. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel and, unlike years ago, there was a computer in his room so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address and, without noticing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He had been a minister who died after suffering a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and they glanced up and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I Have Arrived!
I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.
I have just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow and I look forward to seeing you then.
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. - It sure is hot down here!
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