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During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director what defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub. Then we offer the person a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket. Then we ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No," said the director. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a room with or without a view?"


Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day, while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom, right after you saved him. I am so sorry but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry."


President Bush recently went to an elementary school in Macon, Georgia, to discuss worldly matters. After his talk, he asked if the children had any questions. One little boy put up his hand and the president asked him his name.

"Kenneth," the little boy replied.

"And what is your question, Kenneth?"

"I have three questions:
1. Whatever happened to the weapons of mass destruction?
2. Why did you give a tax break to the super-wealthy?
3. Did you steal votes to win both elections?"

Just then the bell rang for recess. President Bush informed the children that they would continue after recess.

When they resumed, the President said, "Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right. Question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy put his hand up. Bush pointed him out and asked him his name.

"Larry."

"And what is your question, Larry?"

"I have five questions:
1. Whatever happened to the weapons of mass destruction?
2. Why did you give a tax break to the super-wealthy?
3. Did you steal votes to win both elections?
4. Why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
5. What happened to Kenneth?


Bubba and Billy Joe are walking down the street in Atlanta, Georgia, when they see a sign on a store which reads, 'Suits $5.00 each , shirts $2.00 each, and trousers $2.50 each.'

Bubba says, "Billy Joe! Look here! Hoo-wee! We is gonna be zillionaires! We're gonna buy us a whole gob of these here fancy suits, shirts and dressing pants, take 'em back to Sand Mountain, sell 'em to our friends and make us a fortune!'

"You reckon?" Billy Joe says as he tries to read the sign.

"Hell, yeah! Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear our accent, they might think we're ignorant and not wanna sell that stuff to us. I'll talk in a slow Georgia drawl so's they don't know we is from Alabammy."

They go in and Bubba says, with his best fake Georgia drawl, "I'll take me 50 of them there suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there fancy shirts at $2.00 each, and 50 pairs of them there dressing trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup truck and....."

The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll are from south Alabama, ain't ya?"

"Well...yeah," says a surprised Bubba. "How come you knowed that?"

"Because, this is a dry-cleaners."


My friend called his car insurance company to tell them that he needed to change his address from Texas to Vermont.

The woman who took the call asked where Vermont was.

As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, I'm not stupid or anything! Just tell me what state it's in."


Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's Okay. It's a coincidence, I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?

The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with long red hair, green eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?"

The old guy says, "Doesn't matter - let's look for yours."


An attendant on a cross-country flight nervously announced: "I don't know how this happened but we have 103 passengers aboard and only 40 dinners."

When the passengers' muttering had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up his meal, so someone else can eat, will receive free drinks for the length of the flight."

Her next announcement came an hour later: "If anyone wants to change their mind, we still have 29 dinners available!"




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