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Ralph arrived at his tax audit accompanied by another man. The IRS guy assumed the other man was Ralph's attorney.

Going over his records, the tax official said, "Well, sir, it appears that you live at a much higher level than your reported employment income. How do you explain that?"

"I love to gamble and I usually win," replied Ralph.

The skeptical official gave him a disbelieving look.

"I can prove it," said Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"

The official thought for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Ralph said, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thought a moment and said, "No way! It's a bet!"

Ralph removed his glass eye and bit it.

The official's jaw dropped.

Ralph said, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

The official could tell Ralph wasn't blind, so he took the bet.

Ralph then removed his dentures and bit his good eye.

The stunned official was now three grand in the hole.

"Want to go double or nothing?" asked Ralph. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on your desk and piss into that wastebasket by the door over there and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, was cautious now. He thought that there was no way this guy could manage that stunt, so he agreed again.

Ralph climbed up on the auditor's desk, missed the wastebasket completely, and pretty much peed all over the desk.

The official grinned. He had just turned a huge loss into a huge win. But, then he noticed that Ralph's friend looked ashen and was visibly shaking.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asked.

The man replied, "Not really. Before we arrived, Ralph bet me twenty thousand dollars he'd piss on your desk and you'd be happy about it."

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "a hamburger, fries, and a coke," and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later, the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "a hamburger, fries and a coke."

The ostrich says "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again.

"The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad" says the man.

"Same" says the ostrich.

Shortly, the waitress brings the order and says, "that will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago, I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That is brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live."

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley Davidson motorcycle when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon enter his shop.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, doc! Look at this engine! I can open it up, take the valves out, fix 'em, put in new parts and, when I finish, this will work just like new. So, how come I get a pittance and you get the really big money when we basically do the same work?"

The surgeon leaned over and whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it while the engine is running."

Blonde Jokes

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